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1. You’re sitting in my seat

Funniest Dachshund Jokes 1
Photo by John Park‎

A German Shepherd, Labrador and a dachshund all died and they are waiting in front of God.

God asks all the dogs what they believe in.

The German Shepherd answers: “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my owner.”

“Great,” says God, “take a seat on my left side.”

“Labrador, what do you believe in?” Asks God.

The Labrador answers: “I believe in fun, play, and loving my owner.”

“Ah,” God said, “You can come sit at my right side.”

Then he looks at the dachshund: “And how about you?”

The dachshund hops up on the throne, curls up in a little ball and says, “I believe you’re in my seat!”

(From Paul Sabin)

2. King of the jungle: dachshund or lion

Funniest Dachshund Jokes 2
Photo by Alyssa Triplett‎

A lost dachshund strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks delicious, I have never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dachshund with menace. The dachshund notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.

Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” And they start rushing back to the dachshund.

The dachshund sees them and realized what happened, starting to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

(via reddit user shotuken)

3. Difference between a cat and a dachshund

Funniest Dachshund Jokes 3
Photo by Jenny Jeanie Kotze‎

A woman lives with both a cat and a dachshund. Everyday she’ll feed them, clean up after them and provide plenty of love and attention.

The dachshund is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. You must be god.”

The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food. The cat thinks to herself” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be god.”