A Dachshund dog walked into a telegraph office, he picked up a black form and wrote: “WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF”. The clerk looked over the form for a minute and she told the sausage dog: “You know, there are only nine words here. You could write another WOOF for the same price.” The dog shook his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!” The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, “Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature.”
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman Meow Alexander the Grey Dogs Mary-Louise Barker Bettie Poops Virginia Woof Iggy Pup
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. “Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.” As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”